Are you a good listener? Or just think you are?
A few years ago I became aware that I was a terrible listener. It came as a huge shock, because I’ve spent most of my adult life believing I’m good at it. I skipped past articles and guides to improving listening skills, smug in the knowledge that I was doing it all already.
So when the light bulb went on, it made me question everything I ‘knew’ about myself. It also explained a few things about my relationships with people – why some relationships have remained superficial or drifted away; why I sometimes find it difficult to keep a conversation going; why I often can’t remember the details later and why I miss opportunities to follow up with people about things they have told me.
Here’s how it happened, and what I’ve learned since.
The light bulb moment
A long-time client and friend of mine – I’ll call her Mel – was describing her frustrating interactions with a new business partner. He always seemed distracted, frequently interrupted or tried to finish Mel’s sentences, didn’t ask any relevant questions to ensure he understood, and rarely allowed her to finish before leaping in with his thoughts on the subject.
I’m not sure exactly which of Mel’s words hit home, but suddenly I was acutely aware that in the past few minutes I had done almost everything she had listed. I had jumped in to share my similar experiences at least twice (thinking I was showing empathy); I’d attempted to finish her sentences a couple of times when she paused to think of the right phrase (to show we were on the same wavelength – except I got it wrong once); I got up while she was halfway through a sentence to pour water (important, but terrible timing!), and when I thought she had finished, I leapt in with my two bob’s worth about what she should say to him (sigh).
I may have had good intentions, but I was getting it spectacularly wrong, and the result was that I missed an opportunity to make Mel feel heard and validated. And given that many experts regard effective listening as the critical factor in how well we connect with people, I may also have unwittingly ensured that both the business relationship and the friendship never reach their full potential.
Having great listening skills won’t just make you a better friend. It will also make you a better business-person, partner, colleague, leader, parent, and carer, positively impacting your business, career and relationships in ways you couldn’t have imagined.
Clearly it was time to break a few bad habits and form some new ones – never an easy feat, but in this case, eminently worthwhile. I consulted the experts to make sure I was going to get it right from then on.
Great listening skills: the basics
1. Don’t interrupt.
Enough said.
2. Maintain eye contact the whole time the other person is talking (even though they may not).
Stop what you’re doing. Don’t get distracted by movement over their shoulder, other people coming into the room, your phone, etc. And if your water glasses have run dry, wait for a natural pause in the conversation before jumping out of your seat.
3. Show interest.
In addition to eye contact, use occasional gestures appropriate to the conversation, such as nodding, smiling, and words or phrases like ‘yes’, ‘u-huh’, ‘wow’, or ‘it sounds like you handled it really well’ or whatever is appropriate to the topic. Don’t go overboard – too much feels fake and is distracting for the speaker.
4. Ask open-ended questions.
Asking open questions like, ‘What were your thoughts about that?’ or ‘How did that make you feel?’ or ‘So what did you do then?’ to seek more information can be a great way to demonstrate that you want to hear more of their story. Open questions (how, what, why) will ensure you keep the conversation flowing. Closed questions (that can be asnwered with a yes or no) not only stop the flow, they also tend to make assumptions, so try to avoid them if you can.
Here’s an example:
- Open question: ‘How did that make you feel?’
- Closed question: ‘Did you feel frustrated by that?’
Asking the occasional question also makes you an active rather than a passive participant in the conversation, which studies have shown make you as the listener seem more supportive, while ensuring the speaker feels ‘heard’.
Go easy though – you don’t want them to feel like you are interrogating or judging them. On that note, be careful with ‘why’ questions. Asking, ‘Why did you do that?’, for example, might feel more like, ‘What the hell were you thinking?’ to the recipient.
Take it up a notch
When you’ve mastered the basics, there are a few more advanced techniques that will give you some listening wow factor:
5. Demonstrate empathy.
But NOT by jumping in with a story about how you had a boss just like that once (save your story for much later). Instead, demonstrate empathy with comments like, ‘that sounds really tough/awkward/frustrating’. Keep the focus on them and what they are telling you.
6. Read their body language and tone.
Sometimes a person’s words don’t match their body language or tone. They might be telling you everything’s fine, but they’re gnawing on their fingernails and wearing two different shoes. Make sure you take their body language into account when working out how to respond to what they are saying. It might be enough to say, ‘You look worried/nervous/upset – is everything ok?’ to encourage them to open up.
7. Match and mirror
I include this one because I promised I’d defer to the experts, and there are plenty of studies showing that when we build rapport with someone, we unconsciously mirror their body language and tone. Many communication experts suggest subtly using this as a technique to build rapport. The key word here, however, is ‘subtly’. Your matching and mirroring should go unnoticed by the other person – it should look and feel natural and not like you are mimicking them.
For example, you’re being interviewed for a job. The interviewer leans forward and rests her elbows on the table while she is talking. You wait a minute, or until it is your turn to talk, then casually do something similar. If she smiles, you smile back.
My view on this one is that, if I have to resort to matching and mirroring to build rapport with someone, then it might be time for me to reflect on what I am doing (or not) that is preventing me from building rapport naturally. On a positive note, simply being aware of this phenomenon can be useful in two ways: it
8. Be silent
Stephen R. Covey, the renowned author of ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’, said,
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Sometimes, remaining silent is the best way to invite the other person to continue and share more. It can show you are interested, that you care about what they have to say, and you’re not just waiting for them to draw breath so that you can jump in and take over.
If you are listening closely to what the person is saying, you will find it easier to know when to be silent, and when a comment is required.
Should I share?
I’ve learned there is a time and a place for sharing your own experience, and not all personal experiences should be shared.
I used to think that jumping in with my similar experience was a way of showing empathy. I was breaking the first cardinal rule of listening: Don’t interrupt. So when is it okay to share your own experience?
To start with, never tell your own story before you are sure the other person is ready to move on from theirs. Secondly, ask yourself: what’s your reason for sharing?
If it’s to sympathise, particularly if the topic has been a difficult one for the person to talk about, it can improve your connection with the other person and make them feel they are not alone. But if it’s to satisfy your desire to tell a spectacular story, or ‘one-up’ them with your much worse experience, or it’s intended to serve as a warning, it’s probably best you keep it to yourself.
Here’s an excellent example of when NOT to share your experience:
The scene: me, heavily pregnant with first child, sitting in a cafe.
Random stranger at the next table: ‘Wow, you’re about to pop! When are you due?”
Me: ‘In about three weeks.’
Random stranger: ‘Is this your first?’
Me: ‘Yes, it is.’
Random stranger: ‘OMG you don’t know what you’re in for! If they’d told me what could happen during childbirth, I NEVER would have had children! My partner threw up and then fainted and I had to sit on a donut cushion for three months and now I wee every time I sneeze!’
I think I can speak for almost everyone that has ever had a medical procedure when I say that there is a time and a place for those kinds of stories. When in doubt, stick to the sympathetic, inspirational, and happy-ending stories, and only share them for the other person’s benefit, not your own.
Finally…
Being a great listener is a skill, not an innate talent: anyone can improve with practice, and reap the myriad benefits that result. And by all accounts, it’s worth the effort.